Evolution of My Hair

Question: What will happen if I chop off my hair?

Hypothesis: Well, I'll probably look like a man...but you never know.

Test: Still mustering up the courage...

A little sneak peek of the college visit post to come!

Well friends, it's officially been a year since I've gotten my hair permed. I think it's rather odd that I remember the exact date...hey, when you can't have anniversaries with a non-existent boyfriend, you have anniversaries with your ever-changing hairstyles! 

...I'm beginning to scare myself, so I'll stop there. 

But really. This was kind of a big deal for me last year since I'd had the same short, flippy haircut for ages. It caught my eye back in 5th grade, so I had sported the bouncy crop for five years. That's almost a third of my entire life!

As much as I don't want to admit it, I guess I don't like change. After my lovely aunt in China had done her magic, I stole glances at my reflection in passing car windows, store windows, and finally stared the mirror in the bathroom after I had showered. 

I stared. And stared. And stared. 

Who is that girl with the curly hair?

It was so strange. I couldn't accept that it was now part of me. After sixteen years of stick-straight hair, chemicals, heat, and time had made it curly. (On a scientific note, perms work because the chemicals reduce and re-oxidize the natural disulfide bonds so the resulting sulfide bonds conform to the shape of the curlers.)

But it slowly grew on me (ha, unintentional pun!). Several fiascoes with being unable to scrub the banana out of my hair that I had so very rationally decided to mash in (hey, it was in a magazine!) occurred in the meantime, but I came to accept the new curly-haired girl as, well, me.

This was also when I ditched my signature flower. Well, part of it was that my dad's mom told me it made me stick out too much in China. I was faced with the decision of acting against the very ideals that made me who I was or seeming like a disrespectful ingrate. The flower was my symbolic way of announcing my individuality after struggling with conformity in middle school; it was so much more than a hair accessory. But I complied and stowed it away for the rest of the trip.

However, when I arrived back in the US, I kept my once-treasured flower on my desk instead of in my hair. 

Part of it was that it didn't look right with curly hair. Yes, I'll admit there were frivolous reasons. But the other part? It was no longer enough to be just “the girl with the flower.” I wanted more; I didn’t want a simple item to define my complex identity. My experience in China had made me so conscious of my roots. Simply put, I’m too American to be Chinese in China, but in America, I’m too Chinese to be American. Where is my home? Where do I truly belong? And by that point, I also no longer wore it because I truly wanted to; I wore it because people expected to see it. Like all things, time had caused its magic to fade. 

So I faced the world without my old friend, the loud flower with sandy colored petals and golden-colored jewels. The one that I had stumbled upon in a random store, my best one-dollar purchase that would reshape my life. 

I let my hair grow out, something I once adamantly refused to do. "Why don't you grow your hair out?" My friends would ask. I dodged their questions, answering, "Oh, I'm just too impatient."

I didn't cut it short for an entire year, except to trim my own bangs. I could finally put it up to run--I was no longer that girl madly running with her hair in a poof behind her. I could finally braid it and experiment with fun hairstyles. I could finally create my own updo for prom.

Well, it's been an entire year now. Maybe slightly more, now that I think about the time difference (I'm just too particular haha). Now I have the strange desire to chop off my hair and get a pixie cut--I've always wanted one but I'm still afraid I'd look like a man. Some people pull off the short crop quite well, but it's a gambler's chance taking the risk without knowing if I'm one of those people...

Who is that man, running the girls' race? They would ask at cross country and track races.

Or even worse: I would look like an old lady. People already mistake me for my younger brother's mother. Many are incredulous that I am still in high school. One cashier even asked if my mother and I were sisters (she, of course, beamed brightly, but I was absolutely mortified). But I'm just good old seventeen.

Is this next?

Another problem though: I think longer hair is more flattering on me. Though I did think that my flippy cut was the most flattering haircut when I had it, like I think now that medium-length curly hair is most flattering.

This is one of those things that you'll never know until you try.

I've more or less decided that I'm going to grow my hair out until it's long enough to donate to Pantene Beautiful lengths. The problem is where to go from there. Maybe I'll grow it out super long so I can still have medium-length hair after I chop it. Or maybe I'll chop at as soon as my shortest layer reaches eight inches and get a pixie cut.

Could I pull it off? Do I want to go through all the trouble of growing my hair out again after an entire year? Could I stand having to go through that awkward in-between stage of growing out a pixie? Will I look old? Will I look like a man? Do I even want to do this?

Question: check.
Hypothesis: check.
Test: undecided--tentatively set for when my hair is long enough to donate.
Conclusion: we'll see wherever this crazy, beautiful life takes me.

On the Road: Horsham, Pennsylvania

        Put me with piles of summer work, my devilish little brother, a slight shortage of sleep due to late-night quartet rehearsal, college destinations eight hours away, and you get the above photo. I was more than ecstatic to leap out of the car after hours of being cramped in the backseat with my fellow restless companion. Of course, then a few nearby trees caught my eye and I proceeded to whip out my camera and creepily snap countless shots of their flowers by the hotel entrance. 

        The golden sunset struck my fancy as well, so I dragged my brother to do an impromptu photoshoot. And this was all right by the hotel before we saw any colleges! I think I may have a problem...

Top, LC Lauren Conrad ($5)// shorts, thrifted J.Crew ($8)// necklace, c/o eFoxcity// shoes, Sear's ($3)

        I was happy with the way the photos turned out though--especially this shot of my little photographer! The hotel we stayed at was pretty nice; as soon as I saw the fancy fitness room I made up my mind haha. Hey, a cross country girl's gotta run! And those free cookies certainly didn't hurt either...

        One funny thing I noticed at breakfast was that both mornings there was half a chocolate doughnut, cut neatly down the middle, among its other whole companions.

Hmmm, how strange, I thought. What kind of person was able to control the desire to simply gobble the entire thing up?
     
        I came up with a plethora of theories as I pondered over my oatmeal. The simple solution would be that it was a person on a diet who couldn't resist just a few bites of the tantalizing treat. But I wanted to know more.
        
        It's a man, I decided as I stirred my coffee. And he must be alone, otherwise he would've offered the other half to whoever was with him...maybe...he lost his wife in a tragic accident ten years ago. The couple was deeply in love, so in a tribute to her memory, he returns to the same hotel where they stayed each year for vacation. And at breakfast each morning, he has only half a chocolate doughnut because she always had the other half!

        It was a rather cliche and bittersweet story, but I was satisfied.

        I honestly am such a hopeless romantic. And I'm also excessively idealistic about life. Perhaps I'm just a child at heart and always will be. There are so many huge decisions to make in the near future with colleges, and when all the work begins to bury me, my heart sometimes yearns to relive those brown bag lunch and playground days. Little kids honestly don't know how good they have it sometimes. Like Peter Pan, why couldn't I have just never grown up? College tuition is scary, and taxes even more frightening. But of course, it's just a fleetingly wistful feeling that disappears once my excitement to get out in the real world takes over. I want to travel, make my own decisions, be independent. And if I pass my driver's test in just a few weeks, that's just the first step.
       But speaking of Peter Pan, could I just draw your attention to this exquisite necklace? eFoxcity has some of the cutest jewelry I've ever seen, so when their package arrived in the mail with this cute one, I fell in love. I think I'm developing a slight obsession with peter pan collars, so it's a rather good thing that their website has many other peter pan collar options (: They mostly feature some of trendiest and of-moment drop ship clothing, formal dresses (since it's wedding season we can't forget their wedding dresses under $100!), and gorgeous jewelry like poodle rings, mustache necklaces, and peter pan collars. You'll be seeing this one very often haha. But seriously, go take a look at their trendy and affordable jewelry!

        More about the actual college visits soon! Have a beautiful weekend lovelies!

Manhattan

        Whew, I just realized that I'm super backed up on outfit posts! This girl best get busy typing and editing away haha. 

        I just got back from a couple of East-coast college visits and have plenty of photos to share in the next few days. This outfit was actually back a few weeks, on the day of graduation. I figured I had a good couple hours to take a few quick outfit shots, so I dragged my brother outside to shoot this trendy look. This wasn't actually what I wore to play with the orchestra at graduation--I ended up changing into something dressier, but I remember wearing this for a sports dress-up day. 

        It was rather sad seeing all the seniors graduate. It doesn't really hit you that you're next until your seniors are gone. I remember reading one of my friends' Facebook statuses that was something along the lines of "Crap. All my friends graduated" and I laughed a little because I felt exactly the same. They're off and running, out in the real world (or at least more real haha). I wonder if they'll have time for me, a crazy high school child. I wonder if we'll drift, just as I have with so many others. 

        I really hope I'm not the only one who has trouble holding on to friends for a long time. It just seems that if one moves away, our lives are no longer connected; our rivers have forked. Or sometimes you grow close to people in a short time, like at a camp or summer class. You promise to stay in touch, but as the once-vivid memories begin to fade, so do those promises. 

        I'm a strong believer in fate, another name for what I call God's plan. Perhaps those friends were only meant to be part of your life for a short while. And for those that were meant to stay, you'll both reach out to each other. It all comes down to that. 

Necklace, c/o eFoxcity// lace top, c/o Chicnova// skirt, Wet Seal ($8)// cardigan, thrifted H&M ($4)// flats, Target ($5)

        I suppose I've felt slightly unsettled lately.

Maybe it’s those driver’s ed videos—those gory things were constant reminders that nothing is guaranteed—and that our lives can change in a split second. I’ve always had the feeling that I wasn’t meant to live to see old age. What if my sole purpose in life is to be a reminder to people, in some tragic accident like those in the videos, that life is precious? What if I’m just another example? It’s a hauntingly romantic but rather unsettling concept. I don’t want to leave my mark on this world because I died; I want to be remembered because I lived.         Of course, as soon as I say this, I’ll end up living until I’m 100 or something—but I wouldn’t mind being wrong in this case. There are so many things I have yet to experience. My wanderlust, my idealism, my hopeless romantic tendencies—they have created an infinite list of seemingly impossible and frivolous dreams.          I usually hesitate to share such deeply personal writing, but there’s something intrinsically beautiful about baring your soul to the merciless world; there’s something attractively fearless about allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. I’m writing because there's so much I want to do with my life that I haven't yet—and if you share your aspirations, you're held much more accountable for them.         I want to explore this vast world. Not just just the standard tourist fare either. I want to hike the Inca trail. I want to stroll through the breathtaking gardens of Stourhead. I want to see the sky lantern festival in Taiwan. I want to volunteer in Haiti. I want to experience a concert at Royal Albert hall during the BBC Proms.          I want to do things. I want to run a marathon. I want to learn how to ride a unicycle. I want to skydive. I want to waltz at a Renaissance-style ball. I want to fall in love, which is totally different from loving someone. I want to learn my own culture's language fluently enough to take care of myself in China. I want to publish my personal writing. I used to be painfully shy. I used to hate running and care less about fashion. I used to care so much about what others thought of me. I want other people to know that they're not the only ones struggling every day to discover their identity.          I want to live a life that if I died any moment, I would be okay, because I knew I lived as much as I could. College apps are soon approaching, and I want to write essays that I'm proud of. I want to be accepted by a school that is the best fit for me, not necessarily one with a big name. I want to study something I'm passionate about. I want to find a career that I can be excited to do each day.         And as much as I joke about becoming a cat lady, maybe I want to get married. There are so many things that I promised myself I would never do, but now I love doing them. I promised myself that I wouldn't like roller coasters; I now love the thrill of flying at high speeds through crazy loops and over intimidating hills.  I said I would never run the two-mile; it's now my main event and favorite race in track. I told myself I would never audition for my city's youth orchestra; I just got a packet in the mail saying I was accepted. But seriously. What girl doesn't want her own little fairytale? I'm not saying it's perfect; no, of course it never is. But what girl doesn't want a guy who can make her laugh? Who can make her feel better when she's feeling down? Who will listen to her deepest thoughts? Who will put up with her little quirks? Who will be her best friend?        I heard a line once that said "Love is friendship on fire" and I've always strongly resonated with that. The cutest couples are those who are best friends. That, I believe is the difference between love and infatuation—genuine, strong bonds make all the difference.

      Seventeen years is a long time. But for most, that's just a beginning. I've been uprooted from my familiar childhood home and plopped down ungracefully into a neighborhood just a zip code away. The art of brushing oneself off after a plummet is mastered through extensive experience, and I had absolutely none then. But I made new friends—one of which became my very best friend for the next six years and I hope for much longer. I've gone from struggling to run a lap to being a varsity cross country runner. I've shed my taste for sweats to become a fashion enthusiast. I've experienced true passion when I played the violin at regional orchestra. I've learned much about life, but there is always much, much more.
 
        I not only want to live; I'm going to live.

        I put a lot of text out there today. I hope it makes you think a little, makes you want more out of your life too. A huge part of life is discovering your identity--something that many of us pursue with great effort, but few ever reach. It's one of those cases where the journey is more important than the final destination.
       I suppose I should explain my outfit a little haha. It's a look that I feel belongs in the city, and as Sara Bareille's new CD is coming out soon, I named this post after one of her soon-to-be-released songs. I've noticed that my looks have been trendier than usual, but experimenting with all sorts of looks is how we discover what we like best. We're young. We're still trying to figure out who we are. And that's the beauty of it, because we can be whoever we want.
    I actually wrote a few personal philosophy papers a few months back for AP Lang, and one of them covers this relentless search for identity. I was super excited when I checked my email yesterday because I found out that all three of my essays were published on thisibelieve.org! If you're in to this sort of deep stuff and want to read more of my ramblings, I'd love it if you'd check them out.

This one's about identity here: http://thisibelieve.org/essay/135956/

This one's about kind strangers here: http://thisibelieve.org/essay/135957/

And this one's about one of my quirks here: http://thisibelieve.org/essay/135958/

Have a beautiful day, lovelies. And if you made it through my entire post, thank you. It's always nice to know someone is listening.

Violin Cover: Just Give Me a Reason

 OH MY FREAKIN GOSH. I did it. I finally finished my violin cover. 

You have no idea how difficult this was to edit. My camera only makes mov. video files, and Windows Movie Maker doesn't like that, so I had to convert every single clip to a wmv. file. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, sorry about my nonsensical rambling haha. Let's just say that making videos is a very tedious process.
I also, of course, had to get a few shots of my outfit since we trekked all the way to the woods. I actually found this top just a day before we filmed, and I thought it was perfect for the cover. If you don't know the actual song by P!nk, here are some lyrics:

Right from the start, you were a thief, you stole my heart

And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh

Things you never say to me oh oh

Tell me that you've had enough

Of our love, our love

Chorus 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough

Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts

That we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

....

Bridge
Oh, tear ducts and rust—I’ll fix it for us

We’re collecting dust but our love’s enough

You're holding it in—you're pouring a drink

No nothing is as bad as it seems…We'll come clean

It's basically the classic tale of a sensitive girl and guy who doesn't understand what's going on. It's honestly so true though--I know sometimes we make little things seem really big when that's not the case at all. Anyways, I thought the shirt was pretty fitting to the message of the song. I usually don't wear shirts with writing like that, but I couldn't resist the cute collar!

Shirt, Burlington ($6)//Skirt, Target ($5)// Shoes, Sear's $3

Whoa, this has got to be a record. Only 3 pieces?!

 Here are some video stills to prepare you of what's to come haha. I'll add the video description below the video so you don't have to weary yourself by clicking the link and going to the actual youtube video...let's face it, most of us are lazy, especially in the summer (: Enjoy friends!

I stumbled upon this song a couple months ago and instantly fell in love. There aren't many songs that are good for violin covers, so I jumped at the chance. 

This was a pretty big accomplishment for me since I learned the song by ear in just a few days as school was winding down. I also am terrible at memorizing things--you know that horror story where you memorize something but when it comes time to play it, you completely forget? Yeah, that's happened to me on more than one occassion haha. But I managed to make it through the entire recording without forgeting what I was supposed to play. I recorded the melody live in my basement for an echo-y effect, then recorded the harmony and added it in later.

This video could not have been possible without multiple mosquito bites, several strange stares at two Asian kids walking down the road with camera equipment and a violin, confused looks on the faces of passersby, countless hours staring at the computer screen, and my little brother George haha.

I am not perfect and neither is this, but I had a pretty good time making this.

Oh, I just realized that this is my first post ever on my birthday...yay for birthday posts haha!
Have a beautiful week lovelies!

Polka Dots and Pastels

Oh my. It's been quite awhile. Life just took over, and there was absolutely nothing I could do. 

What a crazy year--whoever told me that sophomore year was the hardest was gravely mistaken; junior years trumps it by far. But the good news is that I'm free now! Ah, it's summer...

Top and hair bow, Rire// Cardigan, thrifted H&M ($4)// Pants, Old Navy ($7)// Scarf, China ($2)// Flats, Target ($6)

These outfits and photos are pretty old--they're actually from over spring break haha...whoops! It's way to hot in the ever-bipolar Ohio for pants and a cardigan now. But I did want to show off some of the things I got in my cute package from Rire! I won a TrendyTeal giveaway a few months back and ordered this pretty babydoll top and cute hair bow.

 I think I have a problem...pink and mint are just too cute together to resist! 

Do you ever think that you helped start a trend? I hesitate to say things like that because it almost sounds self-righteous and slightly haughty, but I feel that way with the pink and mint combo. Remember this look, from the fall? That was all the way back in September, and since then, I've seen it all over the blogging world....there were also been several mint scarf sightings at school this past year. Maybe it's just me, I don't know haha. But it's kinda nice to think that something you were part of the beginnings of caught on.

Oh, so much has happened since my last post. For one, there was my first high school prom. It was a mess trying to find a dress since I'm not exactly tall haha, so every hem is too long. I ended up checking the measurements of one that caught my fancy online and it was perfect when it came in the mail! I wish I had gotten a full-length photo of just me, but you get the general idea from this one:

It was this pretty, flowy chiffon material with a Roman-inspired design. And since some of you I know are writing geeks like me, I think it's fitting to share how I was asked. 

I emailed a copy of my personal philosophy papers for AP Lang to my friend to edit while I was on my WashU visit, and the Saturday I came back, he handed them back to me edited. I kind of cringed a little since I knew that they were some really, really, rough rough drafts and I told him: "Oooh, I'm not sure I want those back."

But he responded, "Trust me, you do."

I didn't really think anything of it, so I thanked him and took the papers. But later when I looked over his edits, I saw that he had written tips to improve the papers on the last page, and the first letter of each tip spelled out prom! 

It was super sweet and original. I had a lovely time--I'm a terrible dancer but I still love dancing haha. And while on the topic of writing and such, I found out that my memoir received national honors through the National Council of Teachers of English! I was super excited since I had spent hours over my winter break typing it for English. Now, I've just gotta conquer those college app essays...

I have a feeling that the extra time that comes with summer won't feel like extra time. But I can only do what I can. Just a little heads up, I'm currently in the process of making a violin cover/music video for Pink's "Give me a Reason." I'm super pumped!

I can finally say this...happy summer!